Why Johan did not Kill Tenma
by Aldrae
Summary: After all, we all want to know what goes on inside Johan’s head, don’t we? Complete and utter crack


**Why Johan Did Not Kill Tenma**

Summary: After all, we all want to know what goes on inside Johan's head, don't we?

Remember when Dr Tenma speculated that Johan might have a multiple personality disorder; and that Johan the ordinary guy was different from Johan the monster?

He was right… in a sense.

But he was also absolutely, drastically wrong.

Hey, the fact that he was an expert neurosurgeon did not make him a shrink. As anyone who knows anything about computers can tell you, the fact that a guy fixes the hardware does not automatically make him a software expert.

But I digress.

You see, Dr Tenma was only partially correct. While he may have been right about the existence of more than one personality inside Johan, there were a few things that he did not know.

The first was that it was not a simple split personality thing. There were at least eleven personalities living inside Johan's head, including one inner child, one inner monster and three feminine sides.

To put it bluntly, it was not a 'Jekyll and Hyde' situation. It was more like a 'Jekyll, Hyde, Hitler, Hannibal, James Bond, Damian, Johnny Bravo, Nameless Monster, Beatrix Kiddo*, Mary Sue (or Anna) and Jessica Rabbit' situation.

Jessica Rabbit, you ask?

Well, who do you think killed The Baby?

…and as for Johnny Bravo, I ask you, is there any living, breathing, red blooded man who does not have his very own perpetually horny inner adolescent?

The second thing the good doctor did not know was that there was no "disorder" to speak of. You see, when a person had as many personalities living inside him as Johan did, the slightest disorder was completely unacceptable. Johan did not need to have his different personalities fighting for supremacy in his head. He was crazy enough already, thank you.

So he did not have a multiple personality disorder.

What he had was more like a sort of multiple personality democracy.

And yes, it was a democracy, the Ancient Greek kind. The kind that meant constant meetings, in which every single personality was involved in the decision making process.

And this was why Johan had not killed Tenma. It had little to do with the fact that Tenma had saved his life as a child, or that he saw Tenma as a kind of father figure, or that he seemed to have some… inclinations towards the older man which were not strictly platonic.

These facts might have influenced the major decision. But ultimately, the truth was this:

Johan could not kill Tenma for the simple reason that the Council voted against it.

And if you do not believe me, take a look inside Johan's Head, and see for yourself…

**The Meeting.**

It was a large, fairly spacious boardroom, with sturdy, masculine conservative furniture and very little lighting, because everyone knows that Johan's mind is a dark, dark place. The usual Ominous Latin Chanting could no longer be heard, simply because Johan Hitler, complete with military uniform, and Hannibal Johan (who was looking fashionably scholarly in a coat, tie, scarf and sexily disdainful expression), were both having trouble convincing Johan Bravo (in Calvin Kline Jeans) that death metal was not the best choice of music for a villain of their wealth, status and influence.

Johanna Kiddo cast them a disgusted glance, pursed his (her?) admittedly luscious lips around his (her?) cigarette and went back to cleaning his (her?) guns. She(I give up. She looks too utterly girly to be called a he…) looked gorgeously evil in her black trench coat, black tank top, ultra mini skirt and high heeled boots, her long blonde hair was tied behind her in a no nonsense ponytail. Johanna Rabbit leaned over the desk to watch the debate in fascination, her long, curly, red locks brushing tantalizingly over a cleavage as large and firm as it was fake. She looked every inch a woman in a short, strapless, figure hugging leopard print dress and red stilettos. Ah, the wonders of latex, makeup and razors…

Johanna Sue, also known as Anna to the once love struck Inspector Suk, looked very concerned. Damien Jo (i.e. Johan's inner child) clung tenaciously to her right arm, looking frankly terrified. Mind you, he was not scared of the adults. He was accustomed to their arguments by now. What scared him was the fact that the nameless monster, sitting uncomfortably in the too small seat beside him, was watching him with a decidedly hungry gleam in its beady little eyes.

He tugged frantically on the sleeve of Anna's modest flower print dress.

"Anna… he's looking at me again"

"Don't worry about him sweetie. He will not hurt you."

Damien Jo was far from convinced. He clung tighter to Anna's arm.

"But Anna…"

She gave him a hug.

"Don't worry about it. He's been on a strict diet since our last meeting, remember?"

Damien remembered. The monster had been growing increasingly obese (or 'bigger', if you prefer). This was not good for Johan's image. The last straw had been at their last meeting, when they were making plans for the Massacre at Runenheim. The Monster, sadly, was not very interested in strategy and had nodded off, breaking the entire boardroom table with the impact of his weight.

Embarrassing, to say the least.

Not to mention the fact that clothes shopping for the Monster was already an inconvenient venture. He needed new clothes every single week. Even Johanna Rabbit, the fashion princess, had limits to what she could tolerate… especially seeing that his taste in clothes was quite frankly pathetic. Seriously, who wore sackcloth and sock hats these days? He was the only part of Johan she could not talk into wearing Armani, no matter how hard she tried.

And she did try, really. But what did she get in return?

"Monster hungry" or "Monster no like Armani, Armani itchy" or "Monster like sock hat, no comb, comb evil!" or "Monster eat sales clerk please, Monster hungry." or "Shoes hurt Monster toes, pants too tight, squeeze Monster crotch" or "Tie no taste good. Gimmie cookie!"

Wait. Scratch that last one.

Anyway, the point was that she had tried her best, and buying the same thing every week was not fun. Not to mention the fact that the monster was also rather picky about what he wore. It had to be the best (i.e. most expensive) sackcloth. The sock hats had to be hand knitted by blonde virgins, then dyed very carefully in their blood. He would wear nothing but the best monster garb, which was not too surprising, when you considered that monster or no, he was Johan after all.

But it could not be denied that this was all very troublesome, especially when you had to do the same thing every single week. Not to mention that they were running out of blonde virgins who could actually knit decent sock hats. The only reason that Johanna Rabbit still bothered was that none of them, no matter how sick and twisted they all admittedly were, wanted to have a naked nameless monster running around. He was scary enough with clothes on. They had been traumatized enough as a child, thank you very much.

So the general consensus was that the monster had to go on a diet, and was placed under Johanna Kiddo's strict supervision. This fact often made the monster cranky. But he behaved himself. He did not like being shot, and Kiddo was more than a little trigger happy at times.

Damien Jo calmed down, now completely reassured of his safety. He turned to watch the progress of the argument.

Johan Bravo was pouting. Two against one was really unfair. But he refused to give an inch. Johan Bond, looking suave (as usual) in his well cut suit and turtleneck, finally decided to settle the matter.

"Why don't we just vote?" he said smoothly, "We are a democracy here aren't we?"

"I'm with the kid on Death metal" said Johanna Kiddo, now loading the gun. "That Latin shit is old."

"Language, my dear." said Hannibal Johan. "And it's not old... it's classic."

"But it has no romance," objected Johanna Rabbit, "Latin chanting just isn't sexy. Latin dancing on the other hand…"

"Speak for yourself," said Johan Hyde, a decidedly lecherous look on his face as he stroked his (nonexistent) beard, his red eyes gleaming in the darkness, as befitting any decent antichrist. "No sound is more arousing… except perhaps the screams of tormented souls.

Johan Jekyll looked at him in disgust "I think I am beginning to like death metal right about now."

"Monster like nice creepy ballads, like in ending credits. Make Monster superstar!"

"Or nursery rhymes." piped Damien Jo. Everyone gave him a strange look "Hey, it worked for Freddy Kruger."

"We could mix them all, you know" Anna, ever the peacemaker suggested, with an endearing smile.

This suggestion was unanimously adopted; All the Johans were suckers for Anna's Endearing Smile™…even Johan Hyde.

Johan Bond cleared his throat.

"So, to the issue at hand," he said. "Do we or do we not kill Dr Tenma?"

"He is a danger to us" said Johan Hitler. "I vote that we stop all the sentimental nonsense, and kill him."

"But he saved our life, remember?" Anna pointed out. "Besides, he is a good man and a good doctor. He does not deserve to die."

"You are just saying that because you want to get into his pants." Johan Bravo said.

Anna blushed and huffed indignantly.

"Of course she does." said Johanna Rabbit. "I know I do, and so does Johanna Kiddo. In fact, come to think of it, who doesn't?"

"I don't" Damien pointed out.

"You are ten years old. Should you even be listening to this discussion?"

"Let us not digress. Do we kill him or not?" Johan Hitler was not very patient.

"No. He's like… our new daddy, isn't he?" said Damien Jo.

"Never stopped us before." Johanna Kiddo pointed out. "He may be hot, granted, but I will not hesitate to kill him if he becomes a threat."

"He has been a threat ever since **someone** let him see our face," Johan Jekyll grumbled. "Nice going, Mr. Bond."

"I had to" said Johan Bond with a shrug. "Johanna Rabbit insisted, something about distracting him with our unrivaled sexiness, I believe."

"Well, I don't think it worked" Jekyll was obviously sulking.

Johanna Rabbit gave a small self satisfied smile.

"I wouldn't necessarily say that, you know." She said. "Trust me; our hotness has never failed before."

"Oh yeah!" Johan Bravo agreed "are we sexy or what?"

"You know, technically, he _has_ been stalking us ever since that incident." Anna observed, her eyes sparkling hopefully.

"Stalking us _relentlessly_, Darling Anna." Hannibal smiled. "What does that tell you?"

"That daddy wants to kill us" Damien Jo suggested drily.

"Not necessarily, dear child." Hannibal said "We cannot deny that love and death are inextricably intertwined. Death is the ultimate form of love. The one you kill becomes yours forever. His life is yours. You have consumed him. And so he is chained to you and cannot escape, because in the very act of killing him, you become his master, and he becomes your slave, bound to submit to whatever form your love may take…"

"So, you mean like… Tenma is into S and M, and he is like… stalking us for Hot Bondage Sex?" Johan Bravo grinned. "Dude, that's Awesome!"

"Err" I don't think he meant…" began Johan Jekyll.

"Hey, let the boy think what he wants." said Johan Bond. "We have very few happy thoughts, as it is"

"Besides" put in Johan Hyde "Who is to say he isn't right?" his smile grew decidedly lecherous "Murder, no matter how you look at it, is the ultimate form of S and M."

"Do you really think we should be having this discussion in front of the child?" pleaded Anna.

"Why not? It's purely educational," replied Bond.

"What's S and M?" asked Damien Jo.

"Umm. Well…" Anna looked around helplessly.

"S and M, my dear boy," Johan Hyde explained in his impeccable British accent, "occurs when one horny pervert begs another horny pervert to punish him for 'being bad'. Such punishment is a symbolic expression of the ultimate sexual submission. It may take the form of beating, torture, bondage and other forms of humiliation. In a typical S and M session, one party puts himself at the complete mercy of the other, who 'punishes' him for his crimes. Gratuitous fucking may or may not take place afterwards."

"Hyde!" Anna and Jekyll exclaimed reproachfully. The other Johans merely looked on in amusement as their resident 'good sides' lectured Johan Hyde.

Damien Jo looked more confused than ever, and just the slightest bit disturbed. It was clear that something was on his mind.

"So, does that mean it was S and M when I asked Anna to shoot me?"

There was a very long silence.

"I think you should go to bed now Damien." Anna said gently. Her face looked vaguely green.

"The kid's not going anywhere." said Kiddo. "We have not voted yet."

"I refuse to expose him to any more of this!"

"Why not?" asked Johanna Kiddo. "It's about time he knew these things. It's because you guys are so fucking protective that we are still a virgin. We are in our twenties for fuck's sake. Do you have any idea how hard that is on me?"

"Word" Said Johan Bravo.

"Hear hear." said Johan Hannibal.

"I know that's right." said Johanna Rabbit.

"And the fact that we could, technically, get anyone we wanted just makes the whole thing very sad." put in Bond.

"I really do think our first time should be with someone we truly love…" said Anna tentatively.

"Do you mean Tenma or Anna?" asked Johan Hitler.

"Hun?"

"Well, last time I checked, those were the only ones we truly loved." He said with a small smile.

"I miss Anna." said Damien Jo sadly "I wanna play with her".

"I know kid." Johan Hitler smirked. "So do I"

"Frankly, I think you both have played with her quite enough." said Anna.

"I mean, seriously guys," Johan Jekyll pleaded. "Tenma is one thing, but Anna is our baby sister."

"So?" said Johanna Kiddo. "She's hot."

"Yeah. Those legs, that ass and those tits… I'd totally do her" said Johan Bravo wistfully.

"I've always wanted to… to be honest" confessed Hannibal Johan.

"Actually taking them both would be nice" said Hyde.

"Verrry Nice" purred Johanna Rabbit. "It gets me hot just thinking about it."

"Oh yeah. I could, like totally do a threesome" said Bravo.

"Imagine how good it will be" said Johan Bond. "Me inside her… Him inside me… You Know."

Anna turned red and whimpered, overwhelmed by the mental images.

"Gods you're sick, all of you!" yelled Jekyll.

"Well Duh! WE ARE sexually frustrated, card carrying members of the Psychopathic Killers Association." said Johan Bravo. "We have complete legal rights to as many perverted fantasies as we want."

Everyone stared, startled by Johan Bravo's sudden display of intelligence.

"What?" he asked defensively.

The nameless monster, tired of listening to their sex-talk, decided to bring some point to the conversation.

"Monster Hungry. Tenma look tasty. Monster eat."

Johanna Kiddo's gun clicked significantly

"Diet" She said, very softly.

"But Monster hungry." The nameless monster whined pitifully. He did _not_ look adorable. At all.

"Do I look like I care?"

"But he is right about one thing." Johan Hitler said. "We still have not come to a decision regarding Tenma."

"This meeting is getting way too long" said Johanna Kiddo. "Let us just vote, like we always do."

And so, the matter was voted upon.

Anna, Johanna Rabbit, Johan Bravo and Johan Hyde voted that his life be spared, on the grounds that he was just too sexy to kill.

Johanna Kiddo also voted him too sexy to kill, but reserved the right to kill him as soon as he became a more significant threat.

Johan Jekyll voted that it was morally and ethically wrong to kill the man who had spared your life… even if said man _was_ trying to kill you.

The nameless monster just wanted to eat Tenma. Was that too much to ask?

Johan Hitler was of the view that Tenma was a threat to be exterminated instantly.

Johan Bond and Johan Hannibal did not see things that way. They both agreed that the good doctor's presence made their game much more interesting… in many intellectually and sexually stimulating ways.

And what Little Damien Jo's Opinion, you ask?

"I won't let you kill Daddy. I won't!"

And so it was decided, by a vote of 9-2, that Tenma be kept alive.

"Besides, even if he does kill us in the end, we would have experienced the complete pleasure of the ultimate form of S and M" said Hyde. "So, no matter what happens, we will still win."

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, was precisely why Dr Tenma's Life was spared.

The End

Authors Notes

*Beatrix Kiddo, or the Bride, From Kill Bill.


End file.
